Is it ok to pass gas around your significant other?

After two days of writing about evolution, I thought I’d offer something that’s important to everyone. Evolution is interesting and all, but it’s not something that affects my practical decisions on a daily basis. Passing gas around your significant other? Now that’s a practical and very important topic.

Last night I was laying in bed, watching Discovery Channel after Wifey had fallen asleep. This is our normal pattern. If her head ever comes within three inches of a pillow, she falls asleep. I spend the first hour or two of each night laying awake in bed, watching television.

I waited until I was sure she was out, and then…very carefully…I let it silently slip out. Oh so quiet. And then….

It started with coughing, and then Wifey sat up in bed. “Husband!” (She likes to call me Husband sometimes.)

That’s right. I woke her up with the sheer power of my stinkage.

Fortunately, Wifey has a good sense of humor. And I really was trying to be considerate. I knew they were really stinky at the time, so I waited until after she’d gone to sleep before I let it go. How nice am I?

Besides, it’s not like she’s never done it before.

I’ll never forget the first time. We hadn’t been dating long, but it didn’t take me very long to let one slip. And like a man, I owned up. I’m not gonna lie about it!

We were watching TV, and I looked over at her and said, “Sweetheart, I’m not making any accusations, but I think someone passed gas, and I don’t remember doing it myself…”

She burst into laughter, and the walls came down. Now, I’m not saying I encourage this kind of thing, but I do think it’s funny.

One night, really late, I got up to go to the bathroom. When I came back to bed, I asked, “Honey, are you cold?”

“Yes.”

I snuggled up to her. “Here you go.” Pfft!!

Even at three in the morning, that was hilarious.

We have some friends. Let’s call them…Bristina and Plevor. From what I understand, they will LEAVE THE ROOM if they need to pass gas! How polite! A three-toot-salute for Bristina and Plevor!

I’ve even heard some people say they never pass gas! A round of applause for these people, please!

Incidentally, a couple of months ago I saw a show on the National Geographic Channel called “The Whale that Exploded.” A dead whale washed up on the shores of Taiwan, and somebody thought, "Free whale!" So they were hauling it through the middle of town on the back of a flatbed semi, and the thing just blew up! Pretty nasty, sure, but that’s good television there. Apparently, the whale wasn’t able to vent his internal gasses, and that was the cause of the explosion.

Not that the whale thing has anything to do with what I was talking about. It just occurred to me, and I felt like sharing it. Now where was I?

Oh yes! Is it ok to pass gas around your significant other? I conclude the affirmative. I realize that doesn’t work for everyone, and that’s ok. However, I do at times have the opportunity to counsel young men preparing for marriage, and there comes a point where I feel it’s my obligation to ask them if they’ve passed gas in front of their fiancés. I always say that if you plan to do it once you’re married, it’s best you start now.

Otherwise it’s false advertising.

-Solid