Saturday, May 23, 2009

Does even a kickboxing instructor have to keep his word?

Hello again, fabulous peoples. It's Wifey, back in action! Solid has invited me once again to post on his rockin' blog. As my second guest post, I'd like to share with you an hour of my yesterday.

Wifey and work colleagues go to kickboxing on their lunch hour on Fridays. It’s a really challenging class, and Wifey generally can keep up for the first 20 minutes or so, then wants to fall on the gym floor hyperventilating for the last 25 minutes. Wifey goes with two other women who are about 10 years older and each have two kids, and are in far better shape than Wifey. Wifey feels her out-of-shape-ness much more keenly on Fridays, and this past Friday, Mr. Puny Kickboxing Instructor received the brunt of this and other frustrations. Other frustrations include parents of new freshmen yelling at her on the phone (entertainingly described in future guest posting), not nice emails in Wifey’s inbox, and too much laundry waiting at home for her. And 2 hours of homework to look forward to when she gets home that night.

12:10 pm: So, Wifey is doing the boxer bounce thing from foot to foot, with kicks and punches and uppercuts and all that. She is feeling good! Workin’ it! Whatchu got, Mr. Puny Kickboxing Instructor!? Nothin!! (Punch! Punch! Knee! Knee!)

12:18 pm: Wifey can’t really breathe so much at this point, but she is determined to not let a little thing like that stop her!! Breathe, schmeathe! (Kick! Punch! (groan) Jumping jack (grunt, wipe sweat sloppily onto forearm) Work through the pain!

12:22 pm: Wifey may now be dying, so she feels this is a good time for a water break. She inconspicuously does the boxer bounce thing in the direction of her water bottle. She avoids looking up into the wall mirror in case anyone else notices the weak woman who needs water (!) during this kick routine. She glances up, just in time to see that Mr. Puny Kickboxing Instructor is eyeing her drinking water. Wifey semi-chokes when caught, and hurriedly drops the water bottle (hopes it was closed!) and boxer step bounces back to kick routine. (Kick! (stupid class stupid instructor why did I payforthisclassuugghh!)

12:33 pm: Wifey is now verifiably irritated at Mr. Puny Kickboxing Instructor. He has been bouncing (yes, bouncing) around the room, hollering at all the oxygen-deprived women, punching at their heads to make sure they “get low” after each blessed kick. Kick! GET LOW! Punch! GET LOW! (Not quite-hit-the-ground low, but squatted gracefully all the way down, ready to spring back up to kick.) Wifey cannot make her hair stay in the hair tie, cannot “get low” as her work colleagues can, and has about 10 ounces of sweaty mascara in her eyes.

12:41 pm: Wifey despises Mr. Stupid Dumb Annoying Loud Puny Kickboxing Instructor Who Plays the Worst Kickboxing Music EVER, her work colleagues (they are SMILING! LAUGHING! ), everyone else in the room, the girl nearest to her who is crowding into Wifey’s space and is drenched with the worst perfume ever (who wears perfume that strong to work? Did she apply more before class?), and the sunny day outside the gym windows.


12:43 pm: Mr. Stupid Dumb Annoying Loud Needs to Wear Longer Shorts Next Time Puny Kickboxing Instructor decides the class has not perfected his perfect lovely kick routine of sculpting perfection (IDIOT!!) and does this to Wifey’s class: “One more time!! You’ve almost got in, but you want to do better, right? Come on, Jab! Kick! Knee!.....” Wifey gives it her all. One last time. As promised. As told to her. Then, he does this at the end of the routine: “You can do better!! Let’s finish up strong, okay! ONE MORE TIME!” Wifey is DONE. But, Wifey must not be the only one in class who won’t do it again, so Wifey does the routine ONE MORE TIME as promised. And then. Then, it happens AGAIN. "Just ONE more time!!!" Wifey is beyond furious. She wants to scream at him, “LIAR!! YOUR WORD MEANS NOTHING!!!!”

12:55 pm: Wifey limps and frantically gulps water and oxygen on the way back to the office, while her colleagues stroll along in front of her laughing about how they just SO enjoyed this latest kick routine. Wifey despises everything at this point, so she takes her sweaty, whiny, sorry self to go to buy some Greek food for lunch.


PS - Please take this time to submit your questions to Solid - unless you can't HANDLE the challenge. Deadline for entry is Sunday, 11:59pm PST. Or before Solid wakes up on Monday morning. :)


  1. I do hate it when they keep doing that "one more time!" thing. Not that I've ever tried kickboxing! You must be at least slightly kick-butt to even give it a go.

    So good on ya, I say! And don't be ashamed to drink water. Even real boxers go to their corners in between rounds, right?

  2. Oh maaaaaan....let me at him....let me at him!

  3. I love this post!! My beef with kickboxing instructors is they want audience participation by yelling with every punch...isn't doing the class enough audience participation??!! Keep at it!! You look great!!