Tuesday, September 22, 2009

My name is David.

Well, reader, if you haven't done so already, go to the bathroom, grab some potato chips, and get comfortable. I have a feeling this is gonna be a long one. As for me, I'm going to try to be coherent, but even as I sit down to this blog for the first time in a long time, I have no idea what's gonna come out.

Let's start at the beginning.

My name is David. What happened to Solid, you ask? He got broken.

A few weeks ago, I went to see the movie "Julie and Julia." I know, I know. But I love Julie. Oh yeah, did I mention I have a wife named Julie? We also have a dog named Zeke, although he also goes by...

Zeke E. Pants
Ezekiel Edward Pants
The Pants
Señor Pantalones
Mr. Pants, sir.
Puppy puppy
Puppy puppy puppy

There may be more. I can't remember. Zeke is a mix between a Yorkshire Terrier and a piranha.

Trust me. He's more dangerous than he looks.

Anyway, we were watching "Julie and Julia," which is a movie about a girl named Julie that blogs about her experiences going through the entire Julia Child cookbook one recipe at a time. And right in the middle of the movie, I started crying.

Let's back up a little.

I don't cry. I do have a strange medical disorder that causes my eyes to leak a watery tear-like substance from time to time (particularly during sad movies), but I do not cry. It's not a choice. I won't fault anyone who does cry. I just don't. I try sometimes and it doesn't work.

And "Julie and Julia" isn't a particularly sad movie. Unless you're a lobster, of course.

Julie (my Julie) asked if I wanted to leave the theater. I pulled myself together and said no. But as soon as we got to the truck, I lost it.

The movie made me remember how much I enjoyed writing this blog. And I'd like to say those tears were for you, dear reader, whom I have missed so terribly, but such is not the case. I was crying because I realized that Solid wasn't Solid anymore.

I still don't really know what happened. Within a period of a week my mother-in-law died and I was laid off from my job. Then there was the pressure of the Ph.D. applications I'm trying to pull together, which... Well, I'll leave that for another day. Let's just say it's traumatic in and of itself. And then one day I found myself in front of a computer, unable to even edit a paragraph in my thesis.

My name is David. I live in San Diego. I don't have all the answers.

There. I said it. I feel all squishy and vulnerable now.

Tonight I started the Fall quarter. It's Spiritual Formation this quarter. We're supposed to keep a journal. My teacher didn't think it was possible to express myself honestly in a blog, but I'd like to give it a shot.

I don't remember if I've ever mentioned this, but two big reasons I started blogging in the first place were my pastor encouraging me to share myself more and a friend challenging me on the fact that I don't readily open up my life to people. I really want to open myself up too.

So let's get started. My spiritual journal, day 1:

I'm a friggin' mess. Even as I write that, I must congratulate myself because friggin' was actually the word I said in my head, and not the other one. Some of my readers have known me for a very long time. Those that know me best will tell you that I don't cuss unless things are pretty messed up in my life.

Let me get judgmental for a minute. Is the rule that I can be judgmental as long as I admit I'm doing it? That should be the rule.

What's up with Christians that say they don't drink because they don't want to set a bad example or give people the wrong idea about them, and then they'll get their picture taken with a glass of sparkling cider? Dude! Didn't you pretty much just defeat your own purpose there?? If you're not drinking because of appearances, then don't appear to be drinking!

That's not really the point though, is it? What I meant to say is why would you use foul language if you're so concerned about appearances??

Let's just save that rabbit trail for another day. And I shouldn't be judgmental like that anyway. Please, drink your apple juice and use whatever words you want. What do I care?

Anyway, I've started cussing again. I'm not exactly a potty-mouth, mind you. We're talking two or three rated-PG words a week. But as I've told many people in the past, my language is a window into my spiritual condition. This is true for no one in the world but me, as far as I know. But if you ever hear me using a four-letter word, I'm probably pretty messed up inside.

And I'm really messed up right now.

I do have to say that it's getting better. I can write again. I can do my work, such as it is. But if my head is above water, it's only barely there.

Oh yeah. Y'know that picture I have of myself swimming in the Caribbean off the shores of St. John? The one that's probably to the left of this very post? Yeah... That was me two-and-a-half years ago. I tipped the scales at about 200 then. Now I'm almost 250.

How's that for honesty? And yes, that's Zeke. As long as I'm being honest, I should admit that I really love that little fluffball. Even if he is part pirhana.


  1. Hey champ! I'm really glad you're writing again. You're blogs always tend to evoke several emotions in me. I laughed hysterically for over a minute at your comment about Ezekiel Edward Pants being part piranha. Then I got sad as I realized how much I miss you. I know you & Julie have been going through some really terrible things lately & I know that the only thing I can really do to help is to assure you I'm standing with you & love you very much. You may not feel real solid right now, but you are so much stronger than you realize. You may feel broken, but you're not destroyed. God is already at work, picking up the pieces & sorting things out. You'll be up & running again in no time. I love you guys & hope to see you soon.

  2. Thanks for being so *real and so *raw about life...wow. You're not alone in the journey and being "broken" is what it is all about I'm thinking. These came to mind: 2 Corinthians 4:8-9; 12:10, not as a fix, or a "hey dude, just pull it together." No, not it at all...you're just human and in a fallen world. Hang in there...even if you can't, our mighty God won't let go.

  3. Glad you're back.....I love you David!

  4. and.....(there's always an and with me, right)....your name is David.....which means Beloved! Don't forget ;)

  5. Babe, you're awesome. Really, really missed your writing and how funny you are, even though you make me laugh daily. And I think you feel a bit more lousy right now 'cause you're sick and coughing like a racehorse right now :) You're not such a mess to your Wifey! Rock on, Solid. and Walk on, Solid.

  6. 1. Thank God you're back! Have missed you guys and thought of you and Julie often.

    2. That is the cutest puppy ever--it almost makes me want one.

    3. I am pretty darn sure if we had a cussing frequency contest, I would win. Not proud of that, but there it is.

    4. Please keep writing. You express yourself so well, and I think we can all identify with that broken feeling you're talking about. Praying for peaceful days ahead for you guys!

    5. I wish *my* last name was "Pants".

  7. You guys are all so great. Thanks for your support.

    Also, I'm convinced that if Amy and my wife lived in the same town, they'd be best friends in a way that made me happy and nervous at the same time.

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  9. Although I disagree with most of what you blog, it has been boring without you.

    I hope all is better with you and your wife. We all struggle with our weight and life time to time, but we have no choice but to move on. I look forward to being your nemisis in future writings, but tonight I wish you luck.