Thursday, April 30, 2009

Who is Solid?

Well, let's get started. I was recently given an assignment for a class called "Evangelism and Discipleship" to write my testimony. I don't have one of those super-interesting "God saved me from drugs, gangs, and jail" testimonies, so I had to spice it up.

1Behold, I sat within the hot tub and said unto myself, “Thou art depressed. Thou hast neither peace nor joy. Does the Lord not look down and see thy plight, o my soul?”

2And verily I said unto the Lord, “Where art Thou, o Lord of hosts?

3From my youth have I worshipped Thee, and offered sacrifices unto Thee. Where then is my just compensation?

4Show me Thy redemption, and I shall be healed. Show me Thy justice, and it shall be to me as a balm of the East.”

5In my distress I cried, “Verily I say unto Thee, my God and my King, that if Thou wilt not hear my cry, I will seek mine own way.

6On the harlot’s breasts will I find consolation. The young virgins shall be as honey on my lips.

7The fruit of the vine will make my heart glad. Then I will be as other men, and become drunk on the king’s best wine."

8And the Lord said unto me, “Go west, young man, to the land where I have called thee. There will your name be blessed, and there is your great reward. For there you will seek Me and find Me.”

10Immediately I arose and made haste to leave behind the land of my fathers. It was the second year of Bush II.

11These were the items I brought from the land of my fathers, which I carried upon my pickup truck.

12 1 television set

1 computer

3 pieces of furniture

13 40 shirts

3 pairs of pants

12 ½ pairs of socks

40 pairs of underwear

3 pairs of shoes

14I also took with me seven boxes. These were the items within the boxes.

13 2 framed degrees

200 items of memorabilia

1 picture of my mother

13 14 Bibles

40 reference books

300 other books

14These were the items I brought from the land of my fathers, which I carried upon my pickup truck, and the contents of the seven boxes, which sat upon the pickup truck.

15And I covered the bed of the pickup truck and all of the items which I brought from the land of my fathers with a brown plastic tarp. The tarp measured four cubits in width and six cubits in length.

16Around the brown plastic tarp I wrapped duct tape. And the length of the duct tape was as the fields of Miramar, and it shone as the sea at dawn.

17Atop the duct tape was a cage of aluminum, and around it all was a chain of strong iron, that mine enemies might not steal away the items I brought from the land of my fathers.

[The oldest mss do not contain vv. 18-19.]

18And the Lord blessed me for the remainder of my days. Thus did I cry unto the Lord,

19"Thou, o Lord hast become my salvation, for Thou and Thou alone removest all my problems, and happily shall I live ever after." Amen.


  1. Okay, that is hilarious, I didst say unto thee. And I love that you had 40 shirts, but only 3 pairs of pants.

    You're gonna be good at this--I can tell! Keep 'em coming!

  2. Oh, my friend, how I miss thee! I loved reading your first blog post. But I didn't need to know about that "harlot's breast" part.

    Great writing - love your creativity, humor, and story. And good for you for bringing a picture of your mother.

    I'm going to go ahead and comment on your 2nd post here, too, b/c I'm too lazy to go to that one and open up the comment box - good for you for marrying such a smart woman, who knows you, loves you, and pushes (encourages) you to be who you should be. :) I will sit in one of your classes someday to learn from the great Dr. Professor, if only as a one-day visitor.