1Behold, I sat within the hot tub and said unto myself, “Thou art depressed. Thou hast neither peace nor joy. Does the Lord not look down and see thy plight, o my soul?”
2And verily I said unto the Lord, “Where art Thou, o Lord of hosts?
3From my youth have I worshipped Thee, and offered sacrifices unto Thee. Where then is my just compensation?
4Show me Thy redemption, and I shall be healed. Show me Thy justice, and it shall be to me as a balm of the East.”
5In my distress I cried, “Verily I say unto Thee, my God and my King, that if Thou wilt not hear my cry, I will seek mine own way.
6On the harlot’s breasts will I find consolation. The young virgins shall be as honey on my lips.
7The fruit of the vine will make my heart glad. Then I will be as other men, and become drunk on the king’s best wine."
8And the Lord said unto me, “Go west, young man, to the land where I have called thee. There will your name be blessed, and there is your great reward. For there you will seek Me and find Me.”
10Immediately I arose and made haste to leave behind the land of my fathers. It was the second year of Bush II.
11These were the items I brought from the land of my fathers, which I carried upon my pickup truck.
12 1 television set
3 pieces of furniture
13 40 shirts
3 pairs of pants
12 ½ pairs of socks
40 pairs of underwear
3 pairs of shoes
14I also took with me seven boxes. These were the items within the boxes.
13 2 framed degrees
200 items of memorabilia
1 picture of my mother
13 14 Bibles
40 reference books
300 other books
14These were the items I brought from the land of my fathers, which I carried upon my pickup truck, and the contents of the seven boxes, which sat upon the pickup truck.
15And I covered the bed of the pickup truck and all of the items which I brought from the land of my fathers with a brown plastic tarp. The tarp measured four cubits in width and six cubits in length.
16Around the brown plastic tarp I wrapped duct tape. And the length of the duct tape was as the fields of Miramar, and it shone as the sea at dawn.
17Atop the duct tape was a cage of aluminum, and around it all was a chain of strong iron, that mine enemies might not steal away the items I brought from the land of my fathers.
[The oldest mss do not contain vv. 18-19.]
18And the Lord blessed me for the remainder of my days. Thus did I cry unto the Lord,
19"Thou, o Lord hast become my salvation, for Thou and Thou alone removest all my problems, and happily shall I live ever after." Amen.